


scared to lose what's left of you

by timeladyleo



Series: flowers for tardises [1]
Category: Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Character Study, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:01:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29533059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeladyleo/pseuds/timeladyleo
Summary: Romana stands at her window. It’s late, but she always works late these days. She doesn’t see much purpose in anything else. Not any more.set at the end of Gallifrey: Time War 1, so accordingly has all its associated spoilers.
Relationships: Leela/Romana II
Series: flowers for tardises [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2169714
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	scared to lose what's left of you

**Author's Note:**

> so something aligned to make hayley williams put her new album out in the same week gallifrey time war 4 came out, which meant that my thoughts were completely consumed by leela + romana and, it's safe to say, they have been ever since. and because every single song on flowers for vases made me literally have a breakdown in the kitchen over leela/romana one evening, i decided to channel that energy into a supremely self-indulgent fic series. enjoy!
> 
> this fic inspired by _first thing to go_.

Romana stands at her window. It’s late, but she always works late these days. She doesn’t see much purpose in anything else. Not any more. At least from here she can look out over the Citadel and see the people wandering about, see the hills in the distance. See the sky. Do those people know what’s coming for them, for their world? She hopes not. It would be easier that way, she imagines, not to know what’s coming.

There’s paperwork on her desk, but she can’t bear to do it. can’t even bear to look at it, because looking at it and doing it means she has to accept what’s happened, and she’s not ready for that. She’s lost before, lost so much but somehow this isn’t like all those times. Somehow, this is worse.

This isn’t like the other times, because in all those other times, Leela had always come back. No amount of _I really mean it this time, I am leaving and I will not come back_ had ever really kept her away, and Romana had always pushed the guilt away in favour of the relief of seeing her again. Romana had always been so pleased to see her again, even if Leela had looked at her with disgust, even if Leela had hated the very bones of her. That was okay. She could cope with that. Being hated.

This isn’t like the other times, though, because this time, Leela isn’t coming back and it is very definitely her fault.

Narvin had tried to be gentle with the news. Once, he wouldn’t have cared. Once, he had dismissed Leela, thought she was below him. _Savage_. The word leaves such a bitter taste in Romana’s mouth now. That’s all the Time Lords will remember her as: _Romana’s Pet Savage_. But Leela deserves so much more, and if even Narvin can see that, why can’t the others?

She knows the answer, but it doesn’t stop her despair. Because Narvin isn’t like them, not any more and she feels vaguely guilty that everyone sees him as her obedient dog now too. But they’re different, now. They’ve been through so much together, been to so many worlds and times and tried so hard to make things right, or at least better. She’s given so much of herself – they both have. And she’s tired.

And it’s different this time because she keeps losing everything that ever meant anything to her. Everything that she ever cared about slipping through her fingers like red sand. Ace and Brax, the presidency and the respect of her citizens, if she ever had that at all. Leela.

She should have been better. She should have tried harder, stood up and defended Leela from all the comments, all the nasty looks and snide remarks. Leela can – could have looked after herself, Romana knows that. Leela would have hated her getting involved. But surely it would have been better than professional detachment? Surely she could have tried to prove she cared? Did Leela even believe that she cared? Because she did. She wants to cry out into the night, because she did care. She still does.

Even though she knows she shouldn’t, she can’t help but sift through her memories, trying to ask Leela where she is, even if it’s just a Leela she’s created in her head to talk to. But that Leela never answers, just gives her a crooked grin, hair blowing wildly behind her. Eyes aflame. That’s how Romana remembers her best, how Romana wants to remember her. When she was at her best.

Narvin blames her for everything, for sending Leela away with the Master, for trusting him to bring her back to them. Romana could have argued, almost wants to, to shout that she never did trust him! She trusted Leela to look after herself. And against anyone else in the whole universe, it would have been enough. But against him? No matter what Romana had thought then, it’s clear now that Leela isn’t as invincible as she claims to be, and that thought lodges deep in Romana’s throat until she can’t breathe.

Because this time, they’ve really lost her.

Not for the first time, Romana wonders why she’s still fighting. What’s all this for? Somewhere inside her she still believes in Gallifrey, even if it’s rotten to the core, even if everyone else hates her and wants her gone, even if they believe in power and power alone and not the people they’re supposed to protect. She still wants to believe in those suns that rise over the mountains, the orange skies and the streets down below filled with people whose lives will be ruined by this war that the High Council are so intent on fighting. As if they believe they could win.

Romana wants to believe, but she just keeps losing, and she’s getting so tired of it. Narvin’s been giving her the cold shoulder these last few days, as she deserves, leaving her to coordinate their agents alone in her office. She knows he resents that, too, stealing his job. And it is his job. It always has been. Like in so many other things, she’s become a fraud here too.

Here, alone in her office, friendless and powerless. It’s not how she wanted things to go. Her younger self was so naïve to think she could make anything better. 

Here, in her office, everything she sees reminds her of Leela too, which doesn’t help. None of it helps. The holes in the wall from Leela’s target practice. The little stool that Leela had always sat on, that Romana had taken to calling hers. Echoes of Leela’s voice, telling her things that everyone else has always been too afraid to say to her face. The paperwork on her desk that, when it’s filed, will officially list Leela as missing in action. Presumed dead.

Romana could really use some of Leela’s honesty right about now. She could really use someone to tell her exactly how her plans are wrong, or stupid, or hopeless, and Narvin’s doing a reasonably good job of filling in but she’s tired of his relentless pessimism. Tired of his negative energy and the way he still believes with his whole being that they can help. That they can make a difference.

She doesn’t quite know when she lost the faith in her home world.

 _That is not true_ , is what Leela would say. _I have never known anyone fight so hard for her people._ Romana can hear it, Leela’s voice echoing in her head. Maybe she wouldn’t say that at all. Maybe Leela would call her stupid then fly off the handle as she had been so prone to do. Romana knows it’s usually her fault – she’s too defensive and never thinks her words through, never really listens. She should have listened more. She should never have sent Leela away.

This is unfair and untrue on both counts, anyway. A line of thinking designed to make herself feel bad. She should feel bad, because it’s her fault, but this self-pity is getting her nowhere. She still loves Gallifrey with both of her hearts. And even though she still loves Leela with both of her hearts too, it hadn’t always been smooth sailing.

No matter how Romana tries to remember a simpler, happier time, to brush over all the fights they had and all the times Leela walked away from her, no matter how she tries to conjure a memory of Leela smiling at her from her stool in the corner, it doesn’t quite soothe the uneasy knowledge that she hadn’t always been good to Leela. She’d let her down so many times. No number of gentle memories can erase that.

Romana turns from the window and does not let her glance linger on Leela’s stool. She cannot hear Leela’s voice or feel Leela’s gaze on her, because Leela is not there. Leela is not coming back.

The sooner she accepts that, the easier it will be. She knows this.

She might not be President any more, but she still has a duty to Gallifrey. She might be the Coordinator of the CIA for now, but she knows they’re looking for any excuse to get rid of her once and for all. So she has to be efficient and ruthless. She can do that. She’s done it before. And the chances are high that she’ll do it again.

It’s funny, she thinks, how they call it paperwork still, even though it hasn’t been on real paper for centuries. She sits and looks at the report, Leela’s picture staring out at her. Just one simple action, and it’ll be over. Her friend will be gone.

She puts the report back down and opens another file. She has plenty of work to do, after all. Maybe this way she can pretend for just a little longer.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at [sircarolyn](https://sircarolyn.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
